I’m Completely Comfortable Being a Lone Vagine in a House of Peen, Here’s Why

“Wow, 3 boys! Are you trying for a girl now?”

“I bet you wish you had a daughter to do girly things with.”

“Aren’t you going crazy in a house full of boys?”

These are just a few of the comments that I am often faced with when people learn that I’m a mom of 3 boys.  And in case you are wondering, the answers to those questions respectively are: no, not really, and hell to the yes I am going crazy in a house full of boys, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Not just in the cliché sense of the phrase, I mean I truly believe that the universe gave me what I needed, and knew that I’d be a better fit as a boy mom.

That’s not to say that I wouldn’t have loved and appreciated a daughter just the same; I’m not a monster who would reject my baby based on her genitalia. Aside from the fact that genitalia doesn’t always contribute to what society deems as boy or girl qualities, but
for the sake of this article being a light-hearted satire piece, we WILL be discussing certain gender related roles & characteristics as they relate to my life.

The truth is, I’m fine with this fart frat house of poop and dirt, I really am. I mean I could do without all the broken shit, the daredevil death defying stunts and I’d prefer if people in this house didn’t use my decorative towels to wash their balls, but overall, dudes are my people.  Here’s why:

1.  Although I may appear to be a girly-girl and know my way around a Sephora, I’ve been told that my personality is dude-like, and I’m not sure exactly what that means but I guess I’m just waiting for my honorary penis to show up in the mail any day now? Just kidding, I’m actually so tired of looking at penises.

2. Growing up, I always had a lot of dude BFF’s in addition to gal pals, because my dude friends were ridiculous and not afraid to swear, fart and make fun of themselves. I was an active participant in their antics where other young girls at the time were often annoyed or disgusted. (Side note: By adulthood I found more foul-mouthed, funny, like-minded ladies who I love and adore.)

With my dude friends, the laughs were non-stop, the judgement was nil, the drama was non existent and I’m pretty sure they just accepted me as one of their own. Things only got weird when they realized I couldn’t pee standing up and that I wore a bra.

3. I’m totally fine with being the only Queen in this house, unless one of my sons ends up becoming a Drag Performer, in which case I’ll then have someone to turn to for hair,  makeup and fashion advice, so it’s a win-win really.

4. I am no stranger to fart jokes, poop jokes and potty humor.  In fact, I’m a contributor and encourager of said jokes as long as my kids don’t bring them to school and tell their teacher that they learned them from their mama.

(I totally want the credit but I’m not interested in the inevitable phone call home because “Yes Mrs. Stewart, I know it’s inappropriate that my son farted into his lunch box and said ‘boy, this lunch stinks!’ but seriously, how funny is my kid, amirite?” isn’t the response they’re going to be looking for.)

5.  Once upon a time I was a teenage girl and if I had to relive that with a daughter, I’m pretty sure neither of us would survive because HOLY F*CKING HORMONES AND HOE’ING. (Yes I know not all girls are hormonal hoes, but I was, so I wouldn’t expect anything less from my actual spawn.)

6.  Boys usually love their moms no matter how batshit crazy they are, and I’m sure once I’m in menopause I’ll be completely nutty and hormonal, so I’ll need a few kids that will be mostly oblivious to my antics and that won’t commit me when I get a nose ring and pink hair at 65 and decide to move to a tropical island.

(I’ve literally always wanted pink hair and a nose ring and to live on an island, so I’m assuming I’ll choose my 60’s to finally rock that YOLO kind of confidence.)

7. If I had a daughter I’d really have to work on being a better person and an appropriate female role model and ain’t nobody got time for that. My boys just accept me for the piece of shit that I am, and they also won’t tell me when my hair sucks or my outfit is weird. (For now anyways.)  Okay those were all jokes, don’t throw eggs at me. *ducks*

8. I’m assuming that when my sons are a bit older, they’ll appreciate that their mother often has the sense of humor of a pre-pubescent boy? No? Probably not? They’ll find it too hard?

That’s what she said. Ba dom bom ching!

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Jenny Mollen Dropped Her Kid on His Head, and The Internet Has Questions

If you aren’t following Jenny Mollen’s outlandish, quirky, honest and often controversial Instagram page, you might not recognize her name without the mention of her famous husband, Jason Biggs.

An actress, published author, contributor at Parents Magazine, and advocate for healthy eating in children with her side hustle Dictator Lunches, Jenny has a multitude of accomplishments outside of being married to the American Pie actor. She is also well known in the online mom community for her entertaining Instagram page and witty banter.

Jenny is raw, candid, as real as it comes to the point of shameless (watching her Instagram stories will have you bearing witness to a plethora of laughable and sometimes questionable shenanigans from removing her own hair extensions with nail clippers, to getting Botox & fillers and being high on edibles or hiding from her kids in the bathroom.)

Her books are written in the same tone as her every day life- blunt, humorous, sometimes shocking, slightly erratic and always entertaining.

A revealing post on Instagram last week had a similar delivery but left a few people scratching their heads. The social media star and mother of two took to Instagram to share a picture of herself with her oldest son Sid (his face concealed for privacy) and the caption stated poignantly that she had dropped her 5-year old on his head, causing a fracture to his skull and a trip to the ICU. She went on to thank the medical staff and her husband and assured other parents that they weren’t alone.

 

Via Instagram.com/jennymollen

The post received a lot of attention and an outpouring of support and love, with many parents chiming in with admissions of their own experiences with accidents involving their children, while showering Jenny with empathetic heart emojis and praising her parenting skills.

Some commended her for bravery and “realness” and for shining light on the unedited parts of motherhood that many experience but don’t talk about.

And although thousands upon thousands of comments showed empathy for the actress/author, a few passed harsh judgement about her parenting skills and her character, some accusing her of abuse or staging a cover-up, and telling her to get off her phone.  Others questioned the motives of the post and referred to her caption as cold and narcissistic.

But most were left with unanswered questions surrounding the incident and the logistics of it. How did it happen? In what way was she carrying her 5-year old son at the time of the accident that caused him to fracture his skull? Is there a PSA she could share with people about the dangers of  ‘x’ activity?

One Instagrammer commented: “so sorry to hear! Do u mind explaining how it happened. I’ve heard of people dropping babies accidentally and they land on their heads but how did you drop a 5 year old on its head? My 5 year old hardly ever gets picked up and if she did and I happened to drop her she’d land head up.”

Her Instagram stories, typically updated every few hours with adventures in Jennyland, gave no insight into the incident and all but disappeared save for a couple unrelated share posts.  After the head injury post, she shared pictures of her sons on Easter and no further mention at the time of this writing has been given to the incident.

Maybe the details are no one’s business, but it appears that many people were left with  questions about the post and incident itself, and the vagueness surrounding it.  After all, if you’re putting anything about your life on social media, particularly if you’re a celebrity, you can expect that people will have questions and start trying to fill in gaps on their own.

Thankfully everyone in the comments section collectively agreed that they were relieved that her son was on the mend and recovering well, and that the story had a happy ending. At the end of the day, that’s what matters most.

35 Memes That Will Make you Feel Better About Being a Hot Mess

Bein’ a hot mess ain’t easy but it sure is common.

In fact, it’s one of the most popular topics in the parenting meme-iverse and recognized as the international symbol of acceptance among many parenting communities. Solidarity sister, we are in this sh*tshow together.

Check out these memes if you want to feel better about walking around all day with a chili stain on your crotch or accidentally sending a sext to your kid’s teacher. We gotchu, fam.

 
1.

There’s nothing more versatile than the coveted baby wipe; you can use it for counters, asses and faces. (Just not in that order.)
Via @accidentalsupermom 

 

2.

I’m not lying when I say that dishes are the worst. I’m also not lying when I say the Skip The Dishes app is my new best friend.
Via @fakeadultmom 
3.

Ahh cereal, a dinner time staple. Can I interest you in Le Chocolat De Count or Crème de la Cheerios?
Via @draggingfeeties

 

4.

I mean, I’m not going to do anything about it other than find a new excuse for my hot mess couture, but…..
Via @mom.wine.repeat

 

5.

From pregnancy glow to aww hell no.  You might not even see it coming but after a few years of being a SAHM, there’s a trainwreck leaving the station and you’ll be on it.
Via @macaroniandmomjeans

 

6.

Luckily for us hot mess moms,  camera filters have come a long way over the years and we can now easily hide those eye bags and chin hairs with a flip of a switch. Just don’t forget to flip that switch, because no one needs to know how hairy and sleep deprived we really are.
Via @momtransparenting

7.

It’s complicated, don’t ask questions.
Via @askatewouldhaveit

 

8.

Spoiler alert: Still a hot mess, but a hot mess with amazing hair.
Via @macaroniandmomjeans

9.

Surely this is a conspiracy, right? My Snapchat filters have led me to believe that I’m supposed to have butterflies floating around my head, giant eyes and glowing skin at all times. So who’s that swamp donkey in the security camera? I demand answers!
Via @unicornmoms

 

10.

I slipped into something a little more comfortable for you, I know how much you love Crocs and ripped sweatpants. Now get over here and run your fingers through my greasy hair before I’m not in the mood again.
Via @mommymemest

 

11.

ICEBERG STRAIGHT AHEAD!! We’re all gonna dieeeee.
Credit unknown

 

12.

You know what Susan, my kid is trying to take a dump behind that tree and I gotta bounce.
Via @itsmommyhour

 

13.

You might be a hot mess if this is a recurring fear you have every time you’re out in public now.
Via @snarkybreeders

 

14.

Where do I sign up because this is literally the only type of mom meetup I’d be on board for. I’ll bring the donuts and vodka.
Via @motherhaggard

 

15.

TRYING is the key word here. Spoiler alert: I don’t.
Via @alyceoneword

 

16.

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! SEND BACKUP! And can you stop and grab me a latte from Starbucks when you’re on the way here? My caffeine levels are dropping rapidly and I may need an IV.
Via @stonecolddaddy

 

17.

Friends don’t let friends feel bad about how clutter-filled and messy their house is. They just push some crap out of the way to make a path to the wine.
Via @momcomnyc
18.

If you haven’t though about handing your kids off to strangers at least once, are you even a hot mess who is desperate for a break?
Via @bombingatmomming

19.

It brings a tear to my eye *Sniffle*
Via @fromthebottomofmypurse

 
20.

Mommy needs a LOT more beauty sleep okay, kids? Wake me up if anyone is bleeding or the house is on fire.
Via @motherplaylist

 

21.

About to lose it in 3, 2, 1……
Via @momof1anddone

 

22.

You mean 10 as in 10 thousand, right? *gulp*
Via @onefunnymummy

 

23.

And that’s on a GOOD day to be honest.
Via @paigekellerman

 

24.

The good news is that you can shove all your dresses into the back of your closet along with your razor.
Via @salty_mermaid_entertainment

 

25.

I don’t care where we go or how bad my hair looks as long as there are no kids and lots of alcohol.
Via @alyceoneword

 

26.

Wait, what are these real pants you speak of???!
Via @modernmomprobs 

 

27.

I mean, it’s basically the same. Except way less f*cks and a lot more caffeine.
Via @modernmomprobs

 

28.

I paid $50 for this shit, it better make me look like Beyoncé within the next hour.
Via @justlikeatvmom

 

29.

Actually I can and I will. And if you have any more thoughts about this, tomorrow I’ll wear my robe and slippers too.
Via @reneecharytan

 

30.

Mysterious and interesting, yes, that sounds so much nicer than shit show hot mess.
Via @wheretheeffismyhandbook

 

31.

This is basically my mantra. Holla.
Via @lifeattiffanys

 

32.

Make it a Venti Grande Tall Extra Large with 2 shots of new life who dis?
Via @fakeadultmom
33.

Are there people who don’t do this? Teach me your sorcery.
Via @housewife_plus

 

34.

All this junk is just adding a natural rustic touch to the wood grain, so who’s the real winner here?
Via @marriageandmartinis

 

35.

The lady on the right looks like a hell of a lot more fun anyways. Just sayin.
Via @healthylivingforhotmesses

Why Medicating Our Son’s ADHD May Have Saved His Life

Two years ago, after a particularly difficult and frightening summer for our family, we received the ADHD diagnosis for our oldest child and made the decision to medicate. I believe it has saved his life, for many reasons, some that I won’t divulge here because he is now older and I feel that some things should be kept private, but it was a very intense two years and a long road leading up to the diagnosis and our eventual decision to medicate.

In short, there were calls home from the school, slipping grades, aggression in the school yard and turmoil at home that made things unsafe for our family. He has always been a smart child and an amazing athlete, but the symptoms of ADHD were hindering his abilities, affecting his well being and the well being of our family.

I wrote the following on the first day of giving my son medication in August of 2017:

Today was the first harmonious day we have experienced in our home in well over a year and I feel like crying tears of joy right now. I’ve been crying a lot lately, mostly tears of helplessness because I haven’t been able to find a way to help my oldest son and we have all been feeling like we are drowning.

Today my son said to me, “I feel like a new me” and my heart nearly burst with joy. He said he felt calm, that he didn’t feel angry, and for the first time in a long time, we saw the boy we knew was deep down inside of him. Today he was happy, agreeable, easy going and helpful. He showed gratitude and patience, and was able to respond to situations in a manner that was appropriate to the situation. He felt good, and it showed. 

Today our house was quieter, calmer, there were no meltdowns, tantrums, threats or fights. Today for the first time in over a year, our oldest son didn’t antagonize his younger siblings or call us names, he didn’t fight, act out, ignore us and bounce off the walls crying out that he hates his brain and wishes he was a “normal’ kid. A truly heartbreaking thing for a parent to hear. 

I didn’t feel like a terrible parent for not being able to “control” his behaviours or calm him with love and attention. I didn’t cry at night, wondering how I would wake up another day feeling helpless to his struggles and the heartbreaking things he said and did during an emotionally charged outburst. Today I didn’t lose my cool out of frustration or beat myself up thinking how I could have handled things better. I didn’t feel like a terrible mother. 

Today we started medication for ADHD and we felt like we gave our son his life back.

I will admit that I used to view ADHD in the way that television or movies portrayed it; as hyperactivity and a lack of focus, but that’s only a small portion of the challenges people with ADHD face. They may also struggle with impulses, emotional regulation, aggression, concentration, organization, and extreme difficulties accomplishing regular tasks of every day life.

The opinions of others made me feel like we had given up by medicating our son, but in reality if we hadn’t stepped in, I feared the worst for him. The truth is, unless you are living in someone’s home, experiencing their lives firsthand and walking in their shoes, you wouldn’t know what is best for their family or their child.

So although I know I will have to deal with the occasional comments and criticisms or skeptical looks from outsiders when they hear about medication or ADHD, I know what science says, I know what my experiences say and I know what my heart says. 

I realized that there was no amount of love, activity, diet change, positive parenting class or essential oil that could have changed things for our son, because ADHD starts inside a person’s brain. Without getting into the science behind it, their brains are different, they are lacking certain chemicals and it affects their mental health and wellness. 

Although we realize medication is most useful in conjunction with therapy and positive parenting, and that medication is only the beginning of our journey, we feel it is a necessary step to help improve our son’s quality of life and to realize his true potential. To calm the negative thoughts and turmoil in his mind so he can see through the fog and know how amazing he really is. 

There are many people in our family who struggle with ADHD, and some of them are adults, so although some argue that it is overdiagnosed in children, contrary to outdated mentality, it is NOT a made up illness. ADHD is a brain disorder, not a behavior problem or a result of bad parenting.

I know this, because today I saw the symptoms of ADHD lifted from my child and when the smoke cleared, a happier, healthier 7 year old re-emerged.

Today was a good day.